I really try hard to maintain a strong moral compass and treat those I come across in this lifetime as an equal. I try to remain optimistic and compassionate, and champion those in my circle (and outside of it) as often as I can.
But it is rare to be told that someone admires you for the way you walk through life. It is surprising to me that people even notice this type of thing anymore! I certainly don’t operate in a certain manner to be acknowledged…but wow…it sure meant a lot to be told this.
These days it often feels as though the world is spinning at a rapid pace, and we are all just doing our best to keep up. The steady stream of a negative news feed that spreads fear has made many of us retreat to the safety of our own four walls. The growing divide within families and between peers has created a lack of connection with one another. It is becoming harder and harder to see the point of it all.
It seems everyone sees those with a difference of opinion as a threat. We have forgotten how to appreciate our differences and we no longer seem to be able to have constructive conversation or “find the middle”. Where has our ability to see one another as humans gone?
It is easy to go down the rabbit hole of fear and despair and stop being compassionate and find the best in people.
Over the past couple of years we have sadly seen a staggering increase in mental health disorders, and many people are having a more difficult time simply coping. Perhaps if we all made an effort to show a little more compassion to one another, check in with one another, have patience with one another and lend a hand to one another we can turn the tide. Smile at the person bagging your groceries, ask the call centre employee where they are from, ask the waitress how she is doing.
My friend (unprompted!) reminded me that she sees me, that she appreciates me, that my value system is still intact, that she values our friendship. Her accolades boosted me up in that moment, and I in turn had a spring in my step that impacted the people I came across that day for the better.
We may not always see eye to eye – but let’s stay open minded and make room for doubt. Let’s remember that people are not a direct threat when they have a difference of opinion. Let’s try to remain connected in our family, social network, community, and society. Let’s remember to acknowledge others, champion those who deserve to be championed, and remain enthusiastic and full of curiosity.
Of course, don’t forget to take care of yourself too! Social wellness is not just about caring for others. When we are putting time and energy into feeling good ourselves, we are more capable of doing the same for others. Be sure to get enough sleep, eat healthy, get regular exercise and take breaks throughout the day. Fill yourself by joining a club or organization, engaging in new hobbies or volunteering in the community. Learn a new skill, nurture relationships and always surround yourself with good people who build you up and make you feel good about yourself! Here’s to living life at Peak Wellness!
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Raising girls in today’s society has many challenges. From navigating the external pressures of social media, peer pressure, judgement from others, bullying, and how women are still largely viewed in the world, there are many obstacles.
Our teens also face a lot of internal struggles including gender identity, mental health concerns, body image issues, sexualization, sex, fear of failure, and self-judgement.
Empowering young girls has been a passion of mine for many years, having raised one daughter who just turned twenty-seven, and now navigating the teen years with my thirteen-year-old stepdaughter.
I raised my eldest daughter during the early days of technology when Facebook was brand new, kids still had flip phones, and the only form of online messaging was ICQ. Do you remember ICQ? Even in the early days of social media and the text craze, I watched as my daughter succumbed to the constant need to check her phone at all hours of the day – even going as far as crawling into my bedroom where her phone “slept”, long after we had gone to bed.
Raising daughter number two has proven just as challenging with kids these days carrying around small computers in their pockets chock full of social media apps they can’t seem to pry themselves away from. Too much passive use of social media can be linked to feelings of envy, inadequacy and less satisfaction with life and many studies now suggest it can lead to ADHD symptoms, depression, anxiety and sleep deprivation. Many kids are spending up to nine hours each day scrolling and swiping on their devices.
During adolescence, girls often have low self-esteem and confidence, and find it hard to balance their uniqueness with the opposing pull of needing to fit in. It is a difficult dance, if one is too unique and they may find they are then ostracized. Too similar, and they seem to lose themselves. At the core, our kids just want to connect. It is our job to recognize this and help them find ways to do this safely.
Lindsay Sealey, author of Rooted, Resilient and Ready, Empowering Teen Girls as They Grow, states in her book, “psychologists tell us that the two most fundamental milestones of adolescent development include understanding identity and gaining social acceptance – knowing who she is and feeling she belongs.” This is a vital time for girls to start figuring out who they are, and what they stand for.
The teenage years are a difficult time for parent’s as we want our kids to learn lessons on their own, but we also want to protect them. Hovering parents push their kids away, too out of touch, and our kids slowly drift away.
Ms. Sealey recommends that we be “periphery parents”. She states, “you are not her friend or in her circle. You are her parent – far enough away so she has the space and freedom to make her own choices, to feel free to be herself, but close enough to offer your encouragement and guidance and provide strength and security as she needs”.
As difficult as the adolescent years can be, they are also incredibly rewarding. These years set the stage for who your daughter will become as an adult. You will be helping to shape her morals and values, how she views and treats others, her ability to persevere and her level of resiliency. It is a huge responsibility and one you should be proud to take. Ultimately, our goal is to launch our teens as healthy, independent, functioning, contributing members of society. I know you are up to the challenge! Parents, you’ve got this!
]]>Move over Helicopter Parents and make way for the new and improved version, the Lawnmower Parent. Simply another version of parents that over parent, these parents in effect “mow down” or “bulldoze” or “snowplow” any issues, obstacles or problems that get in the way of their child’s success. We were witness to an extreme case of Lawnmower parenting with the recent college cheating scandal in which recognizable actors Lori Laughlin and Felicity Huffman, among many others, were charged for buying their children university spots.
Lesser (and more legal) variations of Lawnmower parenting happen all the time. Take the parent who steps in to have a high school student moved from one classroom to another because their teen is having issues with the teacher or the parent who lets their child miss a day of school to have more time to study for a test or finish a project.
In the school parking lot, parents are in constant rotation, dropping off forgotten lunches, textbooks, running shoes and gym strips. Many of these same parent’s challenge teachers, school support staff, coaches and even other parents who try to hold their kids accountable for bad behavior.
While these parents believe they are only helping their children, in reality they are hindering their development by robbing these kids of the chance to face obstacles. These kids don’t develop the skills set they need to deal with challenges and will be left unable to cope as they get older. They don’t learn grit, resiliency or the determination needed to succeed without someone else stepping in to fix things. Kids who are always having things fixed for them are more prone to struggle when challenged with the ups and downs of life.
I can speak from experience. I was a bit of a Lawnmower Parent with my eldest daughter long before it was even a thing (my daughter is now 25). I would often find myself clearing obstacles for her to make her life easier - whether it was making excuses to teachers for late homework or going to battle for her when her behavior at the school was less than ideal. I can tell you that it took many years to unwind this pattern and ultimately do some “reparenting” when she was in her late teens and early 20’s. I had to redefine not only what I expected of her but also what was expected of her as a part of our family. But these are much harder lessons to learn as a 20something “adult” vs. a young impressionable child. I was lucky that I started to change the dance with her when I did, as she was able to turn it around and is now thankfully a very successful, contributing member of society. However, it was touch and go there for a while!
I feel blessed that in my second go around raising children (my stepchildren who are 12 and 14 and are with us 50% of the year) I have past mistakes to learn from. Today, we not only celebrate our children’s successes but also their failures. At the dinner table each night we ask them to share their blossoms (successes) and their burns (failures) from the day. We help them learn from mistakes and empower them to accept personal responsibility by taking ownership of their own behavior and the consequences of that behavior rather make excuses and point fingers at others. We challenge them to do better, to be better.
Last year, we received a note home from school saying that our son was not wearing or maintaining his school uniform. We responded back that as it was part of the school’s code of conduct, the school should implement the appropriate repercussions as per policy. Of course, we would also address this issue at home, but we would let our son know that in this case we supported whatever consequences the school deemed fit. During a subsequent parent-teacher interview we asked why the school had not implemented their own set of consequences for kids failing to meet specific obligations. We were told that many parents push back and do not approve of the school reprimanding their kids and that we were unique in allowing the school to enforce a consequence for our child’s failure to follow the rules.
I saw a recent interview with the artist Pink who said she felt that, “…Our job as parents and caregivers is not to protect our kids from the fires of life, but to walk them through these fires to show them that they are fireproof”. This rang true for me and has become a powerful mantra in reminding me that as parents, we are here to gently guide, not clear paths for, our children as they navigate life.
Perhaps you can identify as a constant fixer in your child’s life? Perhaps you want to change that? If so, it is never too late to do so! You can begin by consistently encouraging your child by letting them know that you have faith in their ability to make good choices. You can allow them to make mistakes (many of them) so that they can learn from them. Let your kids come up with their own consequences for inappropriate behavior and help them learn how to problem solve and navigate uncomfortable situations. By allowing our kids to start advocating for themselves we are giving them the greatest gift of all – independence!
Simply remind yourself whenever you get the urge to “fix” something for your child that by letting them work through difficult situations on their own you are giving them the survival skills they need to navigate the world on their own.
]]>Thinking about getting a pet for your family? If you’re exploring the options of investing in a new furry family member, we don’t doubt there’s one word looming in the back of your head: responsibility. Yes, more responsibility for an already busy family can deter the thought of getting a pet, especially if your kids are young and your plate is full. However, there are benefits for children who are raised in a pet-friendly family. Humans have been connecting with animals for the last 12,000 years. To bring one into your home is a commitment that might not be easy at first, but according to science, it’s worth it, especially if you have children. Here are three facts that you should consider before adopting a pet.
Most of us know this already. We see pets help people who have physical disabilities and give relief to those struggling with mental health. Pets, in a way, are an escape mechanism, in the healthiest way possible. They help us relax and, in times of stress, bring us back to a reality that’s filled with unconditional affection and connectedness. For your kids, pets provide a sense of emotional support and companionship. They can help lower blood pressure, reduce anxieties, and provide stimulus.
According to research, if there’s a pet in your household, your kids will generally be better off. This includes better overall emotional and physical health, and accounts for less mood swings and fewer learning problems. Compared to households without a furry or feathered friend, kids who live with pets have a lesser risk of being diagnosed with attention deficit disorders and other behavioural problems. Learn more about psychology and pets here (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/animals-and-us/201707/why-kids-pets-are-better).
The hardest part about owning a pet is losing a pet. One of the most fundamental lessons owning a pet can teach your children is how to grieve. When families with children decide to adopt a pet, very rarely do they think about the loss the entire family will eventually experience. Although some pets will live for years into your children’s adolescent-hood or even adulthood, most pets do not live your child’s lifetime. Losing a beloved pet can teach your kids important lessons about life’s cycle and how they can grow and heal from these experiences.
📷 : Alicia Jones
]]>I believe everyone’s end goal is the same when raising children: we all want to launch stable, happy, healthy, and independent children so that they can become self-contributing members of society. However, moving kids towards this end has many complex and unforeseen challenges.
As parents, there are many ways in which we can help kids master life skills. Often, kids can take on more responsibility than we realize. Starting with small things when they are small, and gradually moving to bigger things as they get bigger is a good way to begin. Help them figure out solutions to problems by teaching them through real-life situations. Road trips are an excellent way to start. When on a road trip, explain the distance that is travelled at 100 kilometres (km) or 100 miles within a certain time period (like an hour). See if they are able figure out how long a road trip will take if driving at 80 km or 80 miles per hour.
Another great learning opportunity is a visit to the bank. Have the kids use the bank machine and follow the prompts on their own. Encourage them to complete their own transactions for the things they buy and have them count the change they need or should get back if using cash. What about showing them the ropes when filling up gas at the gas station? When you feel they are old enough, safely teach them how to fill up the tank and insert the credit card for payment.
As they become more confident, expand their “classroom”. When travelling away from home, have the kids navigate the airport and find the gate on their own while you follow a short distance behind. Kids taking the lead while riding the bus or the train is another great way for them to master life skills.
Have your kids fill out their own school or extra-curricular forms and lead the discussion at the doctor’s office. Have kids assist or learn how to plan and book a trip from start to finish.
Recently we learned that “making lunch” for our 14-year-old took the form of a bowl of cereal. Apparently, we had missed teaching him the important life skill of making a sandwich! Cleaning up after himself, appeared to be another lesson we had missed as well. Suffice to say, he now knows how to make a variety of sandwiches as well as safely light and man the BBQ. Up next is the fine art of making one’s bed and cleaning a toilet!
We are raising our kids to be a benefit to society, not a drain on it. At S+S we are always interested in hearing your thoughts on best practices for raising children. Please share what life skills your children are mastering!
You can find more articles on parenting in NURTURING RELATIONSHIPS
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Stepmother.
The word conjures up images of wicked, evil, sinister women out to ruin their stepchildren’s lives. I used to pray my parents would stay together so I would never have one. Growing up, stepparents were rare if present at all; I grew up on a cul-de-sac comprised of nuclear families where most moms stayed at home, most dads worked and most families were intact. In the 70s and 80s divorce was still uncommon, remarrying even more so – most kids did not have a stepparent and those that did became objects of speculation. Stepmoms were not celebrated but socially ostracized and vilified.
Today, stepmothers are much more prevalent with experts predicting that blended families will soon become the dominant family form in North America. I became a stepmother myself nine years ago to a three and five-year-old. Raising my sixteen-year-old daughter was no longer my only priority. I was once again booking camps, going to the park, cooking kid-friendly meals, buying pull-ups, wiping runny noses and bums, and cleaning up vomit after the stomach flu.
In addition, I inadvertently became the permanent liaison between my husband and his ex-wife to help alleviate on-going grievances. I became responsible for drafting the annual parenting schedules, managing schedule changes throughout the year and jointly coordinating and booking the children’s extra-curricular activities, dentist and doctor appointments.
Society does not have a proper place for the stepmom. We aren’t recognized caregivers. We don’t have any rights or legal power. If we were to rush our stepchildren to the hospital, we would require one of their “real” parents to provide consent. I sure feel as though I am one of my stepchildren’s “real” parents. I am sure doing “real” work in raising them. I am sure giving up “real” time of my own.
While there are countless support systems and mommy blogs in place for mothers, there are limited resources for the stepmother. It is often unacceptable for stepmothers to seek help by publicly discussing challenges they face raising children that are not their own. A three-year study by Auckland University doctoral candidate, Anna Miller, found that the majority of stepmothers felt they were treated as if they played a negative role in their stepchild’s life. Miller found this to be due to their awareness of negative stigmas and accompanying societal pressures. Stepmothers are prone “…to significantly greater anxiety and depression than biological mothers…” says Lisa Doodson, a psychologist teaching at Thames Valley University.
I am fortunate to have a spouse who values my role and who, for the most part, defers to me as the head of household of our family. He gives me respect and always has my back, which allows us to form a united front. Our children are loved, well taken care of and thriving. I believe we are unique in how we work as a blended family. We are equal partners and the children view and respect me as their mom when they are in our home. I have always called them “my children who happened to be born before I met them”. They know how much I love them and I am truly blessed to have them in my life.
My hope is that other blended families can operate with the stepmother role being validated, respected and appreciated; not only within the household but outside of it as well. Our kids will be better for it knowing they have so many adults in their lives who love them and only want the best for them. After all, it takes a village doesn’t it?
S&S recommend checking out these helpful online resources for the involved stepmom:
StepMom Magazine, offers a private online support group with advice on taboo topics
Your relationships make you who you are. Find more articles about NURTURING RELATIONSHIPS.
]]>It takes time to adapt to new routines and navigate the new reality of life at home under lockdown. It is not a surprise that some people are struggling to maintain any level of normalcy while cooking and cleaning around the clock as well as working and homeschooling children. Factor in the added stress and anxiety of facing potential unemployment and financial strain and the relationship with our partner takes the very back seat.
While we barely seem to have enough time for ourselves, how on earth do we find time to keep our relationship intact?
It has been a running joke that many marriages won’t make it post-COVID-19 as people are simply not used to spending so much time together. Most couples spend much of their day apart as typically one or both work outside the home. These days everyone is together 24/7. Keeping marriages and partnerships healthy is a real concern and the most important thing we can do right now is to carve out some time for the people important to us.
One night over dinner my husband and I were chatting about the fact that we hadn’t had a date night in nearly six weeks. The days had quickly been flowing into one another, and half the time we didn’t know what day of the week it was. The very next day, our 12-year-old hatched a plan. She called it Parents’ Day, and roped in her 14-year-old brother (begrudgingly) to assist her.
We were served breakfast in bed, encouraged to watch the morning news together, and sent out for a walk; together.
Lunch was made for us. Shortly before dinner we were sent to our room to “change into something fancy” and returned to find a hostess waiting to greet us. A fancy table was set with cloth napkins, candles, and flowers along with a Reserved sign placed upon it.
Our son selected a bottle of wine for us from the wine rack and my husband taught him how to open it. The kids put on some jazz music to set the mood and while the wine was being poured by the 14-year-old, the 12-year-old served us our dinner. There was even a homemade chocolate cake (there was a tiny bit of assistance here)! This was the first dinner in six weeks where we were all not sitting together for meal, and as much as we missed their company, it was a treat. It truly felt like we were at a restaurant and it allowed my husband and I the opportunity to reconnect and talk about the topics on our mind.
The best part? The kids even cleaned up the kitchen!
I realize many of us have kids either too young or too teen-age-ish to pull off a romantic dinner for two, but there are so many other ways to support a relationship during these trying times. A good place to start is by keeping the kids on a bedtime routine like the way it was pre-COVID-19. Getting the kids to bed at a decent hour means more together time for you and your partner after a long lock-down day. Watch a movie or start a TV series together. Read a book together in bed. Check in with each other throughout the day. Communicate. Ask each other what you can do to help them.
Find some time either daily or weekly to stay connected. Get your kids on board if possible. Keep in mind that no one is perfect, but there is no better time than now to pull together and draw on the unique strengths of your relationship.
We are stronger together, and with just a little focused effort, our long-term relationships will remain intact and maybe even more robust than ever post-COVID-19.
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